I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
