and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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