Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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