I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
