so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
