Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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