My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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