why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
