It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
