Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
