I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
