my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
