I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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