Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
