just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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