So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
