if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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