I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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