When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...