Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
