Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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