Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
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I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
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He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.