Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
