I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
