Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
