Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
