the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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