she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
