You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
