I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My vagina just recognized that song.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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