You're my little dorito
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
