sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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