Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
