I think my fart just growled at me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
