ya dads aren't the best wingmen
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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