My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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