Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
