Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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