I cut my penus on the lid.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
