that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
