some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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