Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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