I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
