i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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