Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
