omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
