I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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