Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
