this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
