Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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