i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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