Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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