Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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