the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
