...so i touched it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
