I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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