I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
