My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
