Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
