When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
be right there i have to get my cape
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
