Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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