States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
