Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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